Saturday, July 20, 2013

Moving Forward after Domestic Violence and Death of a Child

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As we all know that life can change at the blink of an eye and tomorrow is never promised. There have been changes that have brought me to where I am today. As I have been down a path some may have traveled I want everyone to know they are not alone. In 2003 I found out I was pregnant. I was scared but yet excited knowing that a life inside of me would be my responsibility. I was going to be a single mom, or so I thought. I met  a guy whom I would soon call my husband.  Tyler Ray was born  was born on July 26th 2004. As time went on I realized that time goes by fast and I wanted to remain at home with Tyler while he was learning to crawl,walk and create milestones that I did not want to miss. I got married in February of 2005. I was a stay at home mom for the first year. I then turned to health care obtaining my Certified Nursing Assistant and Certified Medication Technician certificates working full time and continuing my education. I  then obtained my degree in Health Care Administration. Seems like the best "picture perfect" life that one can paint. However, with the stress and strain of the busy days being a mom all at the same time. My marriage suffered. There was name calling,control and verbal abuse that surfaced. All of the things that can be categorized as domestic violence. My son wanted to know his  biological father. Seems like that could not be too much to ask for,right?  My husband stated that this was not a option for my son and it would not be allowed. This created a new chapter of  "lies" I felt the lies were needed because I was doing right by my child. This creating more anger,resentment and problems. By August of 2010 I thought I could get away, Tyler was asking me questions like one that broke my heart "When are you going to leave him?". Although this man is called "daddy" My son could see the entire picture. We had to get out of this cycle and leave the situation completely. I packed up Tyler and we left. Sounds easy enough, right? As many women know, this is not the case. Leaving someone that has been a control factor for so long does not end that easy. We went back. It was not until 2012 that we finally broke this cycle. This was not easy either as physical abuse occurred while trying to leave. My son being a strong boy saw all this and was my strength. I had to surround myself with family, friends and ensure that this was a one way route away. I focused on my son and I as we started over and my son was happy and resilient. Making new friends at his new school we developed a structure for each other to keep 
us strong. We relied on each other. With a restraining order in place on my ex husband and the divorce papers started we felt more at ease. Tyler and his biological dad were getting along great. Tyler was seeing more things within himself that made so much more sense. His actions,his looks and entire personality was made to light when he was able to be himself. Tyler enjoyed reading,swimming,video games and basketball. He was a child full of life. His grades were improving. Tyler's writing skills improved. Smiling more and loving each day. Until January 29th things took a huge turn for the worse.Tyler and his biological dad were headed on a road trip to Kentucky, Tyler was so excited. Little did anyone know when they set off for the trip it would be last time we saw Tyler awake.Road conditions changed and they were in a bad car wreck. This leaving Tyler in serious condition at a medical center. Posts like these were made on Facebook. "The Doctors are hoping for the best.Tyler was in a bad car accident that has left him on life support and in a coma he has severe head trauma he has hemorrhaging of the brain and so much fluid there is a shunt in is head. his spinal cord is detached from the skull. His brain stem has been torn. In his neck c1 is fractured. C3 and c4 are dislocated. His lungs are bruised. With that said he has been reduced to minimal life support breathing somewhat on his own but still needs help possibly for life. There is minimal movement and they think he may never regain function. He also is being tube fed."
as prayer circles emerged and people that we did not even know came together.

Tyler was a strong boy and was always willing to help people. Always wanting to stay active and be a part of everything. As a only child he was spoiled. As l layed by his side after his car wreck that landed him in ICU on life support, A part of me had died. High hopes remained that he would pull through. However, everything else pointed in the other direction. As weeks went on chances grew slim and the state he was in would remain that way for the remainder of his life. The part of grief for me that struck me at this point was shock. It was hard to believe that all of this was not just a dream. It was like I was walking on a cloud.  The hardest decision I have ever made in my life was determining the quality of life that my son would have. This bringing me to the decision that there was no way I would want to live on a machine my entire life. On February 12th 2013 the decision to discontinue life support was made. Shortly after my grandmother joined him in heaven.

"When we suffer a loss, a break-up, a painful change in our lives, we need to remember to take all the time we need to heal emotionally.Moving forwards and getting back on track with our lives doesn't take a day. It takes a lot of small steps to allow us to break free from our broken self and move on."~ Dave Hedges

                                                            On  positive note

I am writing this blog with many pages to inform individuals' about different aspects of life that ones can relate to. I suffer from depression,anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder. I have learned that researching each disorder and writing about them helps to cope with them. I have also learned different breathing techniques that help with anxiety. After my son passed away the new outlook on life has brought me to want to help others just like my son did. My son was 8 when he passed away,saving lives of many with organ donation. This helps me to cope on a daily basis knowing that he lives on through other people that needed a vital organ.  As stated by Unos Annual report (2009)" Without the organ donor, there is no story, no hope, no transplant. But when there is an organ donor, life springs from death, sorrow turns to hope and a terrible loss becomes a gift." – Reprinted from the 2009 UNOS Annual Report. 
I was very skeptical at first about donating my sons organs. As a mother I wanted to feel selfish. After all that is my boy. After careful consideration and thoughts. I realized that my son would love helping others as he always did. Knowing that my son would be kept alive only by tubes,I made the decision to let him go. I believe that by far this was the most painful decision a mother could make. However, after receiving reports that my son helped to save the lives of 8 other individuals with families  it was overwhelming. I knew at that moment that my son had helped so many and had served a major purpose.Being an organ donor is a big decision. However, saving the lives of others was a less difficult decision to make. There are many myths about organ donations. These myths were clarified by researching carefully before the ultimate decision to have my son be an organ donor. These myths and facts about them can be found at a link I found very helpful for organ donation. He +Donate Life America 
I would like to also mention my support team during this rough time. I would like to say THANK YOU to my family,close friends an a special thank you to James Williams for sticking by me. Please take the time to viw my other blog posts in order to view the different journeys I have faced as the year has gone on. Each one touches base on different topics that willo help someone out there to know that they are not alone.

Remembering The Good Times


 Tyler Ray Murry born July 26, 2004 and passed away February 12, 2013 was a very energetic,kind and loving boy. Often times had attitude but he got that from his mamma. What kid doesn't have an attitude, right? I am sharing this post with pictures in loving memory of my son as it helps to remain positive in every way and think of the great times that we shared. The gift that was given to me for the 8 years he was in my life.

                                                                 Mommy Time!!!!!!!!!!

This song is dedicated to Tyler Murry-My Angel-My hero
                                                                   Being Silly!!!!!!!!!

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